Day 151, Bangalore

Our time here in Bangalore is quickly coming to an end. We leave in 6 days and head to Goa, India. We have been here for one week and have only done a handful of things. Medical outreach, children's programs, I only preached once, threw a Valentine's Day program, done our dramas a few times for different church programs, led worship at a church... It hasn't been too busy, but my faith has been strengthened more in this past week than it ever has! I came looking for huge salvations and healing miracles to build my faith, but these I haven't seen this week. So what has caused this back-burned relaxed week of ministry to be my most strengthening week, and the week to build my faith the most?

It began as I had time to look at my thoughts. Before this week I had been a real student of the Word, I was memorizing verses left and right and really enjoying it. But something had happened and I had lost this passion. I had noticed that in my heart I had put up walls to a few of my team members...outwardly I wasn't mean to them, but in my heart I didn't like them as much as the others and preferred to not be around them if I had the choice. As I would go out to do a ministry somewhere I began to question myself....over and over again..."Do you really care Nick?"....."Does it matter to you whether or not these people go to heaven or hell?"....."Do these people matter to you.....REALLY matter?"....."Nick.....do you actually CARE!"

"Of course I do, I'm here aren't I", I would start.

All of this was sparked from a story I read about a man who was faced with a similar question. The more I asked myself, the more irritated I got with the question, until finally the answer came...

No...

I felt embarrassed, a little shamed, I was confused and troubled....I have been here preaching and living the Gospel for all to see, but only because I desired to do it because it was God's desire for me to be here and do this. I was enjoying it, but not as much as I could have.

Right before we took the train here to Bangalore I had hit a dry spot in my passion for putting the Word of God on my heart. We have all felt this. As I meditated on my hardened heart towards a few of my team members, my dry spot for the Word, my lack of REAL concern and love for these people, I was moved to pray.....this time not for our ministry, not for the Indians or the children, not for my team....but for ME. The prayers were simple, and I wrote my concerns and prayers in my journal. The events that happened the following days shook my heart and spirit as I realized what had happened.

The next day I found myself alone and with little to do, I picked up my Bible and began to skim some pages to pass the time. As I read I became so entranced by what I was reading....I was ALIVE, my Spirit was stirred and I read and read...these past few days I have read 4 books I've never read before all the way through. My time in the Word is the highlight of my day again.....

One of the team members I had hardened my heart towards came to me and shared how they were struggling with some of the other team members, how he felt alone and couldn't wait for this outreach to be over....I was moved to compassion for him and in my heart I felt the wall break down, he has been my closest companion ever since and the Lord has used me to build him up and encourage him, even provide his needs when I was blessed with an abundance once. "Do you really care, Nick?"

One day around lunch I was separated from my team doing some things I needed to get done. I wasn't in a great mood as I was pondering the status of my heart and some other news I had received that troubled me. I was hungry and decided that I didn't want the food I had with me. I walked to a restaurant close by, alone, desiring to grab some food to go and retire to my room to eat in silence. As I walked in the restaurant I saw the other two members in line that I had put up walls against. I walked up behind them and got my food. "For here or to go?"....I hesitated..."I'll eat here". I took a seat with the two and had a wonderful time with them. I really enjoyed my lunch and the fellowship I had with them. I did the same thing the following night. "Do you really care, Nick?"

As we walked to the place where we would do our children's program, I began to ponder what kind of life they lived, what their everyday looked like, what they thought about the King I serve....did they really know who He was? As I sat with them....i just loved them. As I was called to the front I made my way through the children, they all looked up at me as I picked my way through them....they grabbed my hands....they all reached up just trying to touch me. Again I was moved to compassion...."Do you really care, Nick?"

The day before, we sat in a cool, concrete room. As I waited for the college students to pour in I picked through the message I had in mind. Why did I choose to speak about this particular subject... as I shared with them how to live in the Spirit, how to have Him live THROUGH you, how to live in a world surrounded by worldly things and still see God and live in a deep relationship with.... as I look around the room at these students.....I spoke with compassion....."Do you really care, Nick?"....."Yes...I actually do..."

As I realized what had happened I was moved to tears. I had done nothing of myself to promote any of these changed....but I am different. I am in awe....I asked God to encourage me in my reading, I prayed that He would give me His compassion, I prayed that he would change my heart towards my team members....and He DID!! In two days He completely changed the status of my heart, and I realized that this is simply because I asked Him too!

Too often we go through life without challenging what we are thinking, without asking for God to change US. When faced with a problem we usually hear, "Lord, please change them, help them to understand, help them to see how they irritate me and how you really desire for them to be". No...It was different this time... "Lord, change ME!"...."Lord, bless ME!"....PICK ME!!! My faith has been strengthened more than ever not because I saw some healing miracle or God answered a prayer for someone to be saved.....but because I prayed that God would change the status of my heart and He did...miraculously!

I want to encourage you all who read this....meditate on the status of your heart...THINK about what you are thinking about....challenge the way you think..... When we face up to our thoughts, our character, the status of our heart, we are troubled when we see an area that is not reflecting Christ through us. We pray for money, we pray for nice things, we pray for God to remove the stress or struggles we are dealing with....He answers them sometimes....but sometimes He puts us through stress or struggles for a reason, a healthy reason....

If you want to see a miracle, if you want to see God do something amazing, pray for Him to change your heart, open your eyes...ask. It is God's will for us to be transformed into His desire for our life, and when we pray in the direction of His will, the miracles will follow, His will WILL be done, and you will BE the miracle, the living testimony of His grace and ability to perform supernatural things in our lives. Im the example, I'm living in it....you can too... Think about it.....