I Disobeyed

I was driving home on my way from downtown Nashville when the feeling first hit me.  

You know that feeling... 

Deep down.... it almost feels like you forgot something.... like you know you have broken something priceless and are waiting for someone to find out.... that uneasiness....  

We have all felt it thousands of times in different degrees.

I knew what it meant immediately.  I was headed home where I would throw some clothes in a bag and head off with two girls to Houston for a week.  I knew I was supposed to sit this trip out.  I had planned on going on this trip for a while, I had told several people that I would be coming, I had already canceled/rescheduled a few speaking events....I was set to go.....

....yet I knew I was supposed to stay.  

How many times to we face these decisions..... when we KNOW what we are supposed to do, and still look at the options.  I talked myself into going.

Halfway through the trip I couldn't stop thinking about my situation.  I was in Houston, I knew God wanted me in Nashville.....and there was nothing I could do to change that.  Try as I might to enjoy myself, soak in the hot tub, play guitar, hang out with people.....nothing......I was uneasy.  My spirit was stirring.  I would pick up a book, 5 min later I would put it down and walk to the other end of the house for no reason at all....find something else to do only to quit 5 minutes later and walk somewhere else to find something to do.  I was nervous....troubled..... scared maybe?  What is that feeling called anyway?  I knew I was sorry, and there was nothing to fix it.   

I found myself taking a good look at my heart.  I had been so busy with the "go go go" lifestyle, so busy with friends and family, speaking, meetings and everything else that seems to make our lives more "noisy", that it had been a while since I took a good look at what had been going on in my heart lately.  I noticed something, and I'm not sure what it means.  I'm always looking for a "story" to tell..... no matter whats going on, where I am, whats happening.... I'm always looking for some kind of truth in it, some kind of story to share.  I can't read a book without wondering how I could preach it someday..... man its tiresome....anyways

So I had this heavy feeling the whole time.  I had a particularly bad day a few days before I returned.  You know these days..... where everything seems to go wrong.  In fact, SO many things go wrong that you almost want to laugh with frustration because its just TOO many things messing up to be normal.  This day in particular I was wrestling with some questions, some deep questions.  I had been studying some things in the Bible that were challenging things to wrap your mind around.... I was deep in thought to the point where it almost hurt, I had no answers.  I came to the point where the thought finally came:

 

 "Ya know....I just need to relax.....I need to forget about these things for a while, I'm stressing about these things....I need to turn on some worship music and just rest and come back to these questions when I'm refreshed and have a new go at it."

I was about to do just that when I realized how many times I've done that before and never picked up where I left off.  Was this some kind of suggestion to keep me from wresting with this question?  It was.  I had to press on.  I continued turning it over in my mind....who knew that could be so physically taxing?

I had come to the point where I was wrestling with so many unanswered questions.  I didn't even know if I was a Christian anymore.  I'm not sure how it happened, but it did.....I found what I was looking for. 

It started to rain that night.  Not just a trickle.... but real rain.  I remember lying in bed listening to the rain beat against the window.....I was exhausted, I had been struggling with things all day, wrestling with verses, questioning everything....I was hot, I was worn out, I was tired.....and the rain continued to fall.

It always rains doesn't it?  What does rain have to do with it anyway?

I laid there...at rest.  I felt good, I knew I had completed something.  I hadn't given up, I had struggled and came out on the other side okay.  I had an answer to a question I didn't ask......questions are good....

...questions are good

Sometimes they are difficult and we give up..... but questions are good....they keep us thinking, they keep us sharp, and ya know.... I actually think God loves it when we ask a question.

I'm sitting here wondering why I feel like sharing all this.... it doesn't really speak highly of me.  I think I just want to let you know that everyone has "those days", and not everyone handles them with perfect smoothness, with a gentle spirit and a calm tongue.... I was so worked up that I even questioned my salvation. lol.  No one could have noticed this on the outside, I didn't yell or act much differently, but inside was a warzone.....and Christ is on your side, fighting with you the whole way, always saying, "Don't worry....we're gonna make it.".  You always make it....the battle is already won.