Day 51, Budapest

I’m sitting here alone as I write this, trying to make sense of the last week....trying to find some sense of control over the changes so I can comprehend what went on in me......what happened?

Wednesday night I stayed up talking with some of the team members. We discussed some of the things that have happened to us in life, some of the events that changed us, and no matter if we wanted them to or not, shaped us into the person we are now. I was talking about how I have become to desensitized to the glory of God, how I used to be very spiritually sensitive. The simplest movies, certain songs, shows and plays, even watching an older man play with his child or grandchild would choke me up. I kept these things in, never let people know, but it still affected me, something stirred in me when it had any kind of spiritual truth, any kind of the way things are supposed to be. After an event that shook the reality of my life, shattered the faith I had in people and even God, I noticed that I was spiritually numb.....no longer did I notice the same things I did before.... I was.....emotionless. At first I enjoyed it. My days of pain were deadened, it no longer hurt, and I even saw it as an advantage, I hungrily devoured the Proverbs, I knew that emotions could affect wisdom and discernment, and I could finally make decisions without my emotions affecting them.....but I was spiritually dead.

We burned the candles into the night, talking until the last flame flickered, and went out. I remember the last thing I said, "And now....I dunno....I’m just so hungry for some emotion, I've noticed that even THEY are a gift, and I miss feeling that...."

Thursday morning I walked into class and set my coffee mug on the table in front of me. Opening my leather journal, I began to prepare the next page for a day of notes on the lecture. How unaware I was that my reality was about to be shattered....well...actually, it was about to be put back together....this time the way it was originally supposed to be.

I don’t remember what the whole lecture was about, but it started off talking about the difference between our flesh and spirit. This was not an unfamiliar topic, I had spoken many times about this at Bible studies throughout the past few years.

Jesus was crucified....we have heard it thousands of times. We have seen the pictures, heard it described, seen the movie.... He willingly set an example for us....it wasn't His spirit that was crucified, it was His body. He could have called down the angels and gotten away, He knew it was coming, but He willingly went. He asked God if there was another way, I'm sure He didn’t look forward to the pain....

Our problem is we don’t see who we are, we don’t know who we truly were created to be....

We can only go to the cross through our freewill... We have been acting like something we weren't created to be...the sin, the masks, the posing. We need to crucify this "old man", the "old self" so we can live free from the bondage, but we can only go to the cross through our freewill.....we can only be crucified and kill our old self, if we go to the cross....and our flesh will be kicking and screaming the whole way....it knows the pain and death....and it resists. It won’t go willingly...

I heard this and started writing what was coming to my mind... Frustrated. I was writing down all of the words I could use to describe myself, the way I have been thinking in life. And something was stirring in me...why was this hard? "Why am I doing this, Lord?" I looked at the page:
"Prideful, mean, uncaring, self gratifying, lazy, manipulative, lying, cheating, false, all about appearance, unconfident, procrastinating, forgetful, unmotivated, rebellious, lonely yet independent, hateful, harsh, judgmental, comfortable, hurt, attached, unfocused, stubborn, sarcastic, self-absorbed...."

I closed my eyes...."Why is this hurting...what is going on?"

"You need to know the man you are burying. You cannot bury what you don’t know exists....You must do this to say good-bye to your old self"

I tilted my head back, trying to deny tears. They came anyway. What was going on...I knew now. God gave me a look at who I was putting up on the cross, the man I was giving up, the old me, I was saying goodbye. I thought this would be a great time of freedom and rejoicing, but no. It was hard, I had to say goodbye to someone I was familiar with, I felt secure with the old self, I was crucifying an old friend, and saying goodbye to one I had grown close to. There is freedom, but it also came with a period of burying an old friend.

The emotions are back, I have my identity now, the man I was created as. Truly, a Christian isn’t one who gives his life to Christ, but one who gets his life from Christ.

Things are different now, what freedom, what vision. I had to be taken through the lies of my life, the identity I had believed of myself, the one I had accepted and lived with. God took me and showed me the new man, the one He had always seen, He showed me my real identity. An identity void of scars, void of lies, void of masks. What now? What will I do with this? I will show others. Too long have we lived in the dark, too long have we been living with an identity that is marred, scarred, and a broken image of whom we really are. I can't just sit back anymore.

STATUS UPDATE:

Tomorrow I will announce where I will be going on outreach to the group.... I have had to choose between two outreaches. One is setting out for Bulgaria, Armenia, and Greece. The one I chose is heading for Egypt, and then India.

In less than a month, God is sending me out to speak to the lost and encourage the found. On December 10 I leave for Egypt, fully equipped (and by fully equipped I mean completely and utterly broken in spirit and humbled knowing I can bring nothing without God), soaked in prayer and grace to spread the Gospel. I have been in training for 2 months, and will continue this preparation for the time remaining before we leave. I do need help. The plane tickets from here to Egypt, and from Egypt to India and back to Budapest have risen a lot. Each member of our team needs $4,500 to cover his or her part of the crusade. I do not have this money. I look at the time in-between now and the time I leave. Less than a month. This seems like an overwhelming obstacle for me. It is a lot of money. I ask that you all please pray about supporting me during this time. I cannot do this alone, I have taken the step into this time, I am walking this out, and we will reach these Muslims and Hindus, but I cannot do this alone. Please pray about my financing, and the whole team's. I will keep you informed about how God provides this money, so you can grow in faith and rejoice with me.

In faith,
Nick Huber

P.S. Thank you so much for your letters, e-mails, and comments. They are a constant source of encouragement, its feels good to know I am not alone in this battle.